Secret Weapons for The Crusher

The Crusher in the Tushars is 6 weeks away. I know. Start training already! Rarely has a bike race conjured up as much navel gazing and speculative equipment-yammering as this one has. The unique course, the massive amount of climbing, and the ongoing debate about bike and tire choices have made the Crusher one of the most talked about (and highly anticipated) events on the racing calendar. And since you’ve signed up to race—you have right?—I thought I’d reveal a few must-have secret weapons to help get you up, over, and down the mountains on July 16.

The Honda CRF150R. This little ripper will absolutely drill that 25 mile climb the Crusher opens up with. Honda’s website claims that this bike will “keep you at the front of the pack and on the podium.” Which is exactly where I plan to be. “More power, means more trophies.” Indeed. With this bike the Crusher will be crushed.

The Polaris 800 Switchback Assault 144. The Tushars received 300% snowfall this year. That’s a lot of snow. And about 10 feet of it is still covering the road we are supposed to race on. No problem. When I hit the snowline, I’ll ditch the motorbike for the “best crossover sled on the market”. You can post-hole across the snowfields. I’m going to glide across them using the “all-new race-proven IFS for lighter steering effort.”

Once the snowfields have been dispatched, it will be on to the 18 mile dirt road descent. My biggest concern for this long downhill is braking power. Which is why I’ll be using the “ghost black” Yamaha Raptor 700R Special edition ATV. To go along with the 9 inches of travel up front, and 10 in the rear, the Raptor is equipped with “wave-style rear brake disc, dealer-installed GYTR® front grab bar and heel guards, plus special graphics and colors.” I know. It sounds like it was custom built for the Crusher. I’ll be drifting the switchbacks Tokyo style.

14 Miles of pavement is next. That could get boring. I’ll need something fast. “For more than 40 years, Kawasaki has shocked and awed the motorcycle world with its big-bore streetbikes.” Shock and awe will be most appreciated during those 14 miles of pavement. And nothing says shock and awe (and big-bore) like the Kawasaki Ninja ZX-14. Its 1,352CC engine and wind-tunnel designed body will ensure that I cover those 14 miles of asphalt at break-neck speeds.

The “monocoque frame is positioned over the engine so the sleek fairing is uninterrupted by protruding frame spars, adding to the extremely long and low styling.” I can’t tell you how many otherwise great rides have been ruined by protruding frame spars. Plus, the bike comes with a “Good Times Protection Plan.” Who wouldn’t want their good times protected?

And finally, the most super-secret weapon of all: The Segway X2 Adventure. This intrepid little personal transport device “takes you off the beaten path and turns you on to the powerful thrill of nature. For both casual riders and experienced explorers, it’s your all-access pass to the great outdoors.” Which is exactly what I’ll need for the dirt/paved finishing climb that the Crusher features. “Specially equipped with a handlebar bag for water bottles and tools [which I will be carrying!], and universal cargo plates, this package has everything you need for any excursion. So whether you’re looking to enjoy a scenic outing or conquer changing terrain, the x2 Adventure will set your pace.” A pace that will be unbelievably fast as I coast through the scenic and changing terrain enroute to a definitive Crusher victory.

So there you go. The 5 fool-proof secret weapons I will be using to utterly destroy The Crusher in The Tushars. “At the front of the pack and on the podium” is my mantra.

What’s yours?