How To: Return to the Office

Posted by on Oct 13, 2010 in Bike, How To, Moab | 8 Comments

We’ve all had to return to work after a great weekend of racing or riding. And we’ve all had a coworker ask that inevitable question: “How was your weekend? ” After a brief pause, as you try and determine the best way to answer the question, and upon realizing that there is no possible way to explain the singletrack or the mountain passes or the hurt and the joy, you simply say “Pretty good. Yours?” Meanwhile the details of whatever it was you did start to swirl around in your groggy, muddled head. Your feet and fingertips and quads ache or tingle. Or, ache and tingle. You stare blankly at the computer screen. The cubical walls are fantastically drab and lifeless. The meaningless office chatter is even more meaningless. In fact, work itself—the job and everything that goes with it—seem completely irrelevant and mundane.

Below are a few suggestions on how to return to life at the office, after getting—yet another— taste of just how boring it really is:

  1. When asked “How was your weekend?” Reply with: “Awesome. I only puked 3 times and now I can’t feel my hands.”
  2. Order an entire pizza for lunch. Along with a side of a burger and fries. Wash it down with a gallon of ice cream and some chocolate milk. Eat it all at your desk. Your coworkers will be impressed, or disgusted. Either way, you win.
  3. Arrive on Monday in the same chamois and socks that you wore at the race.
  4. Use the sink in the break room to wash your gloves.
  5. Hand out left-over gel packets to your cube-mates. They’ll love them! Especially if they were ones you had tucked up under your shorts all day.
  6. Spend the day looking for event photos, blog posts, and news articles. I mean, more time than you are already spending doing those things.
  7. Stand behind one of your coworkers and time them while they work. Be impatient about it. After a short amount of time demand the baton from them, tell them to go eat and rest up, and to be ready to “ride” in a few minutes.
  8. Wear your helmet and head light—burning bright of course—at your desk.

If the above suggestions don’t help abate the overwhelming despair and undeniable futility of returning to the office, there is but one last solution. Show up on Monday looking like this fellow, and hope you get fired:

Photo by Xavier Fane

8 Comments

  1. UtRider
    October 13, 2010

    I’m pretty sure your dad won’t fire you.

    • Grizzly Adam
      October 13, 2010

      He did once.

      • UtRider
        October 13, 2010

        In that case you probably don’t want to roll in looking like the dude in the picture. Just to be safe. Though you could probably get away with the mud flap on your bike.

  2. Ed
    October 13, 2010

    “How To: Return to the Office”

    One day I won’t, I’ll get lost out there.

    Ed

  3. Rosco
    October 14, 2010

    Priceless post, it pretty much sums up today! That long pause as you try and figure out whether you have the energy left to try and explain to someone exactly what you did on the weekend.

  4. Scrawny Kayaker
    October 14, 2010

    About 2 years ago I started answering that rhetorical question pretty much every time with “absolutely fabulous.” I figured I and my family are in pretty good health and slightly better than average financial shape, so what do I have to complain about? Of course, it’s more true on a Monday when I’m tired and sore.

    It usually gets no obvious response, but last week the checker at the grocery store said, “I love Ab Fab.” I think that was the first time someone mentioned the show.

  5. Corey
    October 14, 2010

    Oh man, I should try all of these!

    I’m pretty sure I got zero work related things done on Monday. But I did find lots of cool race pics on flickr.

  6. KF Colorado
    October 15, 2010

    Hmmm. I work at IMBA. I think my coworkers would worry if someone came in and DIDN’T do one or more of those things.

    How about drinking a PBR at 10:30 a.m. because, heck, you did yesterday at the cross race so why not today? It’s a Monday, after all.