We’ve all had to return to work after a great weekend of racing or riding. And we’ve all had a coworker ask that inevitable question: “How was your weekend? ” After a brief pause, as you try and determine the best way to answer the question, and upon realizing that there is no possible way to explain the singletrack or the mountain passes or the hurt and the joy, you simply say “Pretty good. Yours?” Meanwhile the details of whatever it was you did start to swirl around in your groggy, muddled head. Your feet and fingertips and quads ache or tingle. Or, ache and tingle. You stare blankly at the computer screen. The cubical walls are fantastically drab and lifeless. The meaningless office chatter is even more meaningless. In fact, work itself—the job and everything that goes with it—seem completely irrelevant and mundane.
Below are a few suggestions on how to return to life at the office, after getting—yet another— taste of just how boring it really is:
- When asked “How was your weekend?” Reply with: “Awesome. I only puked 3 times and now I can’t feel my hands.”
- Order an entire pizza for lunch. Along with a side of a burger and fries. Wash it down with a gallon of ice cream and some chocolate milk. Eat it all at your desk. Your coworkers will be impressed, or disgusted. Either way, you win.
- Arrive on Monday in the same chamois and socks that you wore at the race.
- Use the sink in the break room to wash your gloves.
- Hand out left-over gel packets to your cube-mates. They’ll love them! Especially if they were ones you had tucked up under your shorts all day.
- Spend the day looking for event photos, blog posts, and news articles. I mean, more time than you are already spending doing those things.
- Stand behind one of your coworkers and time them while they work. Be impatient about it. After a short amount of time demand the baton from them, tell them to go eat and rest up, and to be ready to “ride” in a few minutes.
- Wear your helmet and head light—burning bright of course—at your desk.
If the above suggestions don’t help abate the overwhelming despair and undeniable futility of returning to the office, there is but one last solution. Show up on Monday looking like this fellow, and hope you get fired: