I find myself in a peculiar, and in some ways unknown place right now. Familial circumstances are sending me into deeper, and more frequently, reflective moods. Leaving me with the impervious avocation of trying to walk forward, while looking backward. And yet, this has also been a time of enjoyable amity, and reassurance that when this particular chapter closes, and the uncertainty of today gives way to the hindsight of tomorrow that all will be, indeed, all is, well. But despite that, I am still wandering, somewhat aimlessly through the corridors of long ago and unvisited memories, opening doors and looking under rugs for something that can’t be entirely defined or described.
But when I ride my bike those cloudy hallways and unclear objectives start to lose that opaque and elusive nature. The tangled mess of fear and anxiety and grief melt away into the simple joy of blue skies and singletrack. And afterward the circumstances plaguing my thoughts and monopolizing my emotions are held at bay for a little while, giving me time to appreciate the well and good that dominate my life.
I realize all of this is rather vague and abstract. And in time I will go into more detail. But right now those very things are in the process of coming into being as I witness these events unfold. And so far there has been more good than grief, more peace than turmoil. But nevertheless, there is an underlying sadness, and an unstoppable inevitability that I don’t want to acknowledge. And so, I walk forward, while looking backward.
Somehow wishing or hoping that all will be put back into place, the way it was only a few months ago. Alas, it is not to be. The seasonal shift, and the growing darkness and cold only add to the atmosphere, but do so in a poetic, natural method that seems in complete harmony with both how I am feeling, and with what is taking place.
And with that has come a greater appreciation for that seasonal transition. Like I am with these unlikely days of dry trails and blue skies, I am considering each new day a bonus, and an added blessing – something I’d be loathe to dismiss or squander.
And so, I will now walk forward, while looking forward.