Paused

I feel in many ways that my life has been paused. Each day is as similar as the last. A sort of Ground Hog Day repetition. Everything I do is done with one foot in, and the other out. A strange sort of dualism that has led to what might be the deepest rut of my life.

And yet, it is not as bad as it seems.

Since these wonderful twins have arrived our lives have been focused on them. And so the older kids, my job, my hobbies, everything else has taken a back seat. Some things more so than others. The last 6 weeks have been spent in a sleep deprived balancing act between the immediate demands of the babies, and the rest of life’s normal responsibilities.

Being able to ride a bike has been a rare, but appreciated privilege.

However, there is a light at the end of this quasi-depressing tunnel. I say that because, while the babies, and my kids in general bring me great joy I can’t help but feel the lethargic indifference that comes as an active, energetic lifestyle is replaced by sedentary nothingness.

In short, I miss that endorphic rush of exercise.

The lack of sleep has led to a lack of energy, which has created an apathy that only keeps the vicious cycle turning. However, deep down, underneath the indifference is a burning motivation. A desire to rekindle that active lifestyle. Time will allow for that, eventually. Already there have been major strides in restoring the life my wife and I have known. And with each passing day our joy grows in this new reality. Well, not new. Just more of what we already have had.

And so I hold out hope that a day will come when I have more energy to put into pedals, into art, into blogs and into life. But right now life is on hold, paused. A necessary timeout while we each get to know these two incredible people that have entered our lives.